Monday, September 27, 2010

Bitches, Rants, and Raves of a Server

Boredom at Its Finest

By Chris Conley with a contribution from Eric Sizemore

1. I love this job because I get to see my education at work every day while listening to people’s terrible grasp of the English language.

2. People’s inability to grasp proper usage of a fork, knife, spoon, or some combination of the three.

3. Seeing how dumb people really are.

4. It’s a small wake-up call everyday as to why I should be exercising due to the excessive amount of Fupas, pouches, and Velcro shoes that I see.

5. Education again, Watching people struggle with simple math and needing to use their phone.

6. Seeing a person’s true character shining through by how they treat someone dependent on their money.

7. Only place where you can offend someone you work with down to their core then go have a beer with them afterwards and laugh about it.

8. Listening to people attempt to pronounce words that they have known since they began speaking yet still cannot get them right. Just because we live in a “desert”, doesn’t mean that you need to pronounce “dessert” the same way.

9. The absence of sexual harassment, unless you’re a prick, dirty old man, or we simply don’t like you.

10. Three menus with two people sitting down means that one person is still coming. I understand this, my glasses work, You don’t need to tell me. Once again, simple math.

11. When I say it’s a hot plate, I mean it. It’s not cold or lukewarm. I use a napkin to pick it up. We die laughing when you touch it and jerk back real quickly so never mind, keep touching the hot plates.

12. Light beer is not beer, it’s beer flavored water. So when you bitch that its flat, remember water isn’t carbonated.

13. There is a difference between the well and top shelf.

14. Raising your hand, glass, bowl of chips, or anything else in the air to get my attention is a surefire way for me to not notice you.

15. Telling me “the usual” when you don’t know me isn’t funny and is a total waste of my time.

16. Just because we recognize you, doesn’t mean that you’re a regular, tipping matters.

17. Tell me what’s wrong when I ask, not when you’re done.

18. We give you “free food coupons/cards” just to shut you up, we give people we like free things simply because we like them.

19. We DO talk about you, while you’re in the restaurant and over beers after our shift.

20. If you’re still groggy after a few cups of coffee, it’s probably because I gave you DECAF.

21. It’s nice to know some people still teach their kids manners.

22. Giant messes because you cannot control your kids are unacceptable but insanely hilarious, because we can see whose lives are going to be run by their kids before the parents ever know it. Enjoy hell while your kid is a pre-teen/teenager.

23. When we say “Thank You” it’s ok to say “You’re Welcome”

24. And if you didn’t hear “Thank You” from me, it probably helps to say “Please”.

25. Splitting checks five ways, paying with 20 dollar bills, and then bitching it’s taking too long is anti-productive, remember I have more than just you in my section. Use cards, it’ll go faster

26. I get sidetracked by almost any form of football, baseball and basketball playoffs, and the occasional hockey fight. I don’t care what happens to you, I really don’t. Just ask someone walking by for what you need.

27. If I’m holding on to your table for support, I’m probably drunk.

28. Sad part about the previous statement is I’m probably better at my job drunk than you are at yours sober

29. Limes were meant to help deal with scurvy and ward off flies. Now they’re just meant to make shitty beer taste like limey shitty beer.

30. Just because I work at a Mexican restaurant does not mean I need a Spanish name. Once again, it’s not funny. Do you go to an Italian place and ask them why their name isn’t Vincenzo or Capt Phil at a seafood place? Probably not.

31. It’s really easy, DOUBLE THE TAX.

32. Coming in 5, 10, or 15 minutes before we close is impolite. It’s called togo food for a reason, or simply turn the fuck around and go somewhere else. I have shit to do tonight too.

33. If you do stay, make it somewhat quick, add a little to your tip since we are keeping our place open for you, and don’t dawdle. We ARE waiting on you.

34. If you decide to “camp” add money to the tip. My child, children, or liver are depending on turning the tables and having more people sit in them, so the longer you just “Chat” the less I can make in a given night.

35. “Con queso” means “with cheese”. What the fuck do you want with Cheese? Say the whole name or just queso.

36. Asking for more time to look through the menu is ok. Just remember that you are not my only table and that the most complicated request ever ordered in the history of service could be made by the person who sits down next, so it may take a while for me to get back to you.

37. Slamming you iced tea or pop is totally acceptable because it’s. Just remember that we control it, so when your spicy food comes and you need something to drink, remember about the previous six that you’ve had and look at the smile on my face. I’ll be there when I get a chance.

38. 11 diet cokes and two pounds worth of food is not part of any diet that I know of.

39. If your tits are hanging out, a lot of traffic will be walking by your table to look at your tits. Same goes for thongs, even if you’re fat. The fat ones are a game to get people to look and it’s just because we have a sick sense of humor. So if you don’t want them looked at, put em away or pull up your pants.

40. You don’t need to talk louder to Hispanics. They hear just as well as any other group of people.

41. If I can’t hear you the first time, and I say, “ I can’t hear what you said, can you repeat it?” It’s going to help to talk louder every subsequent time so that I can hear you.

42. If you can’t see the menu, you need new glasses or a new optometrist.

43. We discriminate against everyone. We know blacks tip 10%, Hispanics tip 5 dollars regardless of the bill, White trash are simply terrible, Indians, both migratory ones and those from Asia have no idea what it is, and Asians are straight line 15%. Once again, if you see yourself involved, just double the tax instead of attempting to do complicated math.

44. Oh and if you need to do 15%, use the tax, divide it by two, then add that number back to the original tax. And presto!!!!!! 15%

45. Adding on to 43, we are occasionally wrong with our assumptions, so to those who buck the trend, thank you for making my night.

46. Notoriously shitty tippers receive notoriously shitty service. Remember, we talk amongst ourselves, even the servers we don’t like.

47. It’s ok to ask for extra shit, just don’t bitch at the bill later on when you get charged for it. You’re not my friend, you’re my source of funds. Bigger bills should equal bigger tips.

48. 5 on 30, 10 on 60 and anything less than 15 between 68-92 dollars are considered shitty tips. Adding 50 cents to a 15% tip doesn’t do shit.

49. No I will not go to the bar to get your happy hour drinks. If you plan on tipping the bartender because you are too cheap to buy drinks at regular prices, or don’t want to sit in the bar, don’t expect me to do it for you. Get off your ass and do it yourself since you are fucking my tip over.

50. I have someone who runs food and someone who cleans the table. I pay these people to do it, just remember that.

51. I speak Spanish quite fluently for being white. I understand what you say.

52. Just because you have problems does not mean you can take them out on me. I love the day that I walk into your work, see who you are, and create a world of pain for you.

53. Liquor has a magical quality of easing stress. Try that instead of an Iced Tea.

54. I know you need a refill, your fucking glass is empty

55. Same goes for chips, salsa, bread, etc

56. Walk on the side of the street that you drive on. You don’t magically go to the left in traffic when someone is heading at you, why do it when you walk? English countries drive on the left side, well the colonies that didn’t rebel.

57. If one drink causes you to laugh like a hyena, please leave and go grade your 4th graders spelling test, because you annoy the shit out of us.

58. If I spill something on you, it’s an accident. If I do it twice, it’s not.

59. I DO NOT MAKE YOUR FOOD. Don’t talk to me like I have control over every step in the food making process.

60. If you get the wrong thing, it should take between 2 and 4 minutes to correct it. Life will not end because you received rice.

61. Does everything that comes out of your dishwasher come out clean? I thought not. While we have checks for this, sometimes shit slips. Point it out and don’t be a dick. It’s real easy to make a dirty plate look clean by adding sauce to it.

62. When you order a water, a plate of lemons, and a lot of sugar, we know you’re making lemonade. Do us all a favor, just order a fucking lemonade. The mess you create isn’t worth the shitty tip you’re going to leave me. Same goes for adding crystal light to water. I won’t refill your drink quite as quickly, so be careful with your dinner selection.

63. If you order a water to complement your other beverage, At least drink a little bit of it so that I know I didn’t waste my time making that for you.

64. Don’t order water at the table for everyone if you’re the only one there and you don’t know what they want to drink. You waste my time and clutter the table.

65. If you have allergies, tell me, it’ll make the process a whole lot smoother and easier.

66. Pay Attention, when I ask you about something, and you then repeat that you need the exact same thing back to me, I want to slap you in the face.

67. Don’t say “Yeah” to a multiple choice question. Once again, Pay Attention

68. Sometimes the best tables tip the worst and the worst tables tip the best. Odd how shit works out.

69. Leave the verbal tip in your mouth and add it into a monetary value. Praise does not pay my bills.

70. Red and glassy eyes mean I’m stoned, drunk, hungover, or a combination of the three. It happens because of you.

71. We will fuck with your food and drinks.

72. Yes I have spit and done gross things to people’s food and drinks, Just be nice, it only happens to the assholes. E.S.

73. We make fun of you to your face. We’re just that good at it.

74. If you think it’s ok for your child to jump around continuously and act up the entire time, you’re not only a bad person but a bad parent. E.S.

75. It’s ok to get up with a screaming kid and take them outside. You’re ruining other people’s meals, and my tips. Think of this place like a movie theater.

76. Don’t share your life story with me and I won’t share mine with you. E.S.

77. If my facial expression says “Go Fuck Yourself” I probably want you to go fuck yourself. E.S.

78. I have enough time to think about whom I would kill at work if the world’s survival were dependent upon it. E.S.

79. If you think 10% is ok or that’s all that you can tip, stay home. Better yet, go to the grocery store and buy macaroni and cheese or a sirloin steak with that extra 3 dollars instead of top ramen or ground beef. E.S.

80. Just because you can’t taste the alcohol doesn’t mean it’s made wrong. We are not at YOUR bar in YOUR house.

81. Adding to the previous statement, if you can’t taste the booze, it’s a sign you A: ordered a pussy drink, B: are intoxicated since loss of taste is a sign of intoxication, or C: You drink shitty booze and are not used to good things. Any way you look at it, we don’t like you.

82. Amateurs who come out for amateur holidays, i.e. Cinco de Mayo, St Patty’s Day, etc should not pretend that they drink like we do. You cause accidents, kill people, and once again, annoy the shit out of us because you can’t handle your booze.

83. I do like my job, I don’t bring it home, and its new to me every day that I work.